Thursday, April 23, 2009

Growing Pains

I am only trying to express myself right now, not trying to teach you about the ego. None of this might makes sense to you so pls read this article from urbanmonk before proceeding.

Where do I even begin to express how I have been feeling lately. All I want to do is stay in bed. I believe that I am going thru a spiritual transition in my life right now and it's quite painful to say the least. When you look in the mirror who do you see? How would you define yourself? I am an artist? I am a woman? I am attractive? I am a sister, a designer, an accountant, a mother, an extrovert...? These are all ego based definitions of yourself. Who you are is greater than that and unable to define... at your core is consciousness. But not a lot of us are aware of our essence because our ego covers it. The ego is strengthened when we identify with it by defining ourselves by our good looks, by the money we have, our career, social status... etc. And what happens when we lose our good looks to someone younger? go bankrupt? or lose our dream job? We feel like we've lost a part of ourselves. But this is an illusion you see. When part of your identity is taken away from you it is the lessening of the ego that causes the pain, not the loss itself. The more you identify with something the more suffering it will cause. But if you can understand that this is actually a good thing for you soul you will begin to become more of who you really are. You are a spiritual being... pure consciousness.

This is what im going thru right now. Initially I struggled to re-gain control, to hold onto these roles of being a certain way but it caused me too much suffering that i realized how insane it was to keep fighting and to keep holding onto the need to be attractive...the need to be "the older sister"...the need to be a fashion be outgoing & socially acceptable. Getting rid of these definitions and expectations I have of myself will provide me with an opportunity to become more of who i really am. I asked for growth and in return God has given me the opportunity for it. Like a wise friend once said "when you ask God for money He doesnt give you money. He gives you an opportunity to make money. When you ask God for courage, He doesnt give you courage, He gives you an opportnity to become more courageous." So pls bare with me in the meantime. Im not really in the mood to post much.

As the twitt twitt bird said, "im nurturing myself back to life"


  1. Hi Cindee

    I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a bit of a rough time.

    You won't believe how much I relate to your entry though, because lately I've found it very difficult to drag myself out of bed to go to work. The politics in my office at the moment are beyond ridiculous and I find myself feeling very unhappy while staying in this firm I'm working at.

    I've been thinking alot about what it is i want out of life too and trying to find out what is wrong with me (if anything) and why I feel so down. I think part of it has been the stress of everything happening all at once, with so little time to do it all in. I've even questioned my own abilities and self-worth, which is not a good thing for anyone.

    Your blog and the article has actually helped me clear my mind a bit and understand things a little bit more too. I think I will just try to take each day as it comes.

    So sorry that this is such a long comment, but I hope it helps in some way like your blog has helped me. I hope you find what it may your searching for. :)


  2. Hi Ligia,

    Your comments are never too long so dont apologize for it =) I enjoy getting to know my readers this way. Yea Im going thru a rough time...sometimes a lil too unbearable but I just gotta keep in mind that its an opportunity for growth. I had asked for growth and it presents itself in this way. I guess I understand what they mean when they say "Be careful what you wish for" haha... jk jk =P

    I hope you figure things out as well. Maybe its not your abilities and self worth that's the issue... its the pressure you put on yourself to be a certain way?? Or it can just be like you said... how everything's happening all at once. It's not fun being overwhelmed cos where do you even start to get past things? When it comes down to it life is hard because we make it hard.

    Im sure you'll figure things out. From the times we've been writing each other I get a sense that you've got a pretty good head on your shoulders. Just trust yourself and have faith that nothing is permanent. This uncertainty will pass. =)

    Thx for commenting. It helps a lot to read what others are feeling too. oxo

  3. Hi Cindee,

    Hope you don't mind me sticking my nose in here. Read your post, and thanks for the link. Sounds like you're going through a rough time. Might I suggest a practice that will speed you through the letting go of the attachments you've found?

    Just feel your attachments and let go of them. Don't worry, you'll still be able to enjoy them, in fact you'll enjoy them even more, but they'll be an (optional) source of joy rather than something you have to hold on to.

    Hope I wasn't sticking my nose where it doesn't belong. All the best. :D


  4. Cindee, thanks for getting back to me. I’m so glad your back and blogging again. I finally got my laptop back so, I’m so sorry for the late reply. How have you been? I love all the new updates, stories, fairytales and pictures! I understand you’re busy so no worries about my request, anytime you’re free and willing to create beautiful dress/tops and anything else ill be waiting! But really cindee, how can I say thank you for having this blog.. So that I can understand and feel connected to, it gives me a lot of hope and inspiration. In my life right now, I’m having a breakdown within myself and family and this just bring tears to my eyes and a lot of hope. You have always been so good and this. I don't know of any REAL artist who has a blog as detailed, as sincere, and as exciting as yours...I sign up to tons of beauty, makeup, fashion, advice column blogs... and you are my favorite, since your xanga went down I was so worried you weren’t going to update again! Thank GOD for you hun, because I love to see your work and then you go ahead and show us what you use and how to do it and wow I am just so thankful....thank u!!! Im glad to see you back from your trip! mmm you look so good with your nice new tan! this august ill be vacationing in cabo. This current entry you wrote, just made me think and clear alot of thoughts i have running through my head, majority of my time i feel the same, sometimes i think its just never enough. but thank you for your kind words and especially just being here.. even through an online blog to listen, speak and show a side of ppl that you never really see.. your so real. and that's what i love about you...

    If you havent come across this blog yet, i think you would like it as well as ligia and other readers. Amazing articles!

    I would love to see cindee on your blog maybe like a diy, relationship and love, column or even what I wore today section! That would be so awesome! But that’s just a thought... haha – I know your busy!


  5. Hey Cindee,

    I know how you feel. Lately, I've been feeling like I'm stuck in some sort of rut. I dont know who I am anymore. The friends that I used to be really close to - I'm not close to anymore. Sometimes I feel it's because I've changed. I dont know what it is, and like you mentioned in your blog, I've been fighting to make it the way it used to be. I want to still be included in things, yet, I'm not. I dont know if it's because I'm not wanted, or if it's because I dont want to be there. All I know is that it's different now and I dont know how to change it back.

    Also, my career path is not quite going where I want it to. I dont want know what I want. I'm not sure what I'm passionate about and who/what I was meant to be.

    I guess my point is that you are not alone in feeling this way. To try to bring yourself back to life, what sorts of things are you doing? For me, I am trying to get myself out there to try different things, things that I've never thought of before. Or else I do things that I have always wanted but never got a chance to. Exammples: I've recently decided to take swimming lessons. I'm out meeting new & very different people. I give different styles of music a chance. I've made a list of 100 things that I want to be/do in my lifetime and slowly checking them off. I'm identifying my feelings/thoughts and figuring out why I feel this way. I'm reminding myself of my strengths and improving on my weaknesses. I guess I'm just trying to find myself again. It's a painful process, but I think I'm getting there. Good luck with everything and let me know if you ever want to bounce ideas or chat. xoxo

  6. hey dear :D of course you can and thank you then for linking ;)

    tell me if your done with your studded shorts!

    love, alice

  7. Thanks Cindee, I find that we both think quite alike. You're quite a wise girl yourself and what you said, makes a lot of sense to me and I've thought the same thing myself. I guess it's different though when it's coming from someone else, in a good way that is cos it makes things clearer.

    Wishing you better days ahead sweetie. :)


  8. good luck on this journey of yours.

  9. Hi Albert,
    Oh no no no, you are definitely not sticking your nose somewhere it doesnt belong. I initially wanted to email you but respected your wishes of being contacted for the reasons you had stated. So i am extremely delighted to see that you had left me a comment. Your articles are the ones that helped me during the past week to acknowledge what I was going thru inside. So thank you for that. I will definitely take a read on the article you recommended. =)

  10. Sylvia: wow, your comment gave me the biggest sense of comfort. It touches me deeply to have someone tell me that I have that much impact on them just by blogging bcos it's not something i do expectantly. All I really do is express myself but Im really happy to see that i connect with my readers this way. this is what ive always wanted to feel is a connection to each other. Because in the end we are all connected somehow...we are not separate. Do you ever notice that if you have more than one baby in a room and one starts crying that all of them will start crying? I think this connection has been with us and been part of us since then. we just forget it along the way. But during times like this you know that the connection humans have with each other is still true.

    Thanks for the blog you recommended. I actually did post a link to an article from it in the beginning of my post before I started ranting. I agree. Its a wonderful and insightful blog. And also thanks for the suggestions on the topics to blog about. i love getting feedback and suggestions to make it better. =)

  11. pinksolitude: thank you for your comment and im sorry to hear about what you are going thru presently. You say you feel like you are changing... but maybe its not that you are changing but that you a growing to become more of the person you're supposed to be. This causes a drift in the relationships that dont support or understand your growth. I feel that way too at times when Im back in vancouver. I feel that drinking and partying isnt quite as appealing to me anymore. There's nothing wrong with doing that but sometimes I do feel left out and akward too when I go out with my gfs. I feel like I dont have the energy or the enthusiasm to spend on partying anymore. And like you I try holding on. This just makes me act like an idiot and makes me feel even worse about myself. Sometimes you just need to let go of these things but if it really bothers you then you should talk to your friends and express to them how you feel. Their reaction/response will determine if their friendship is worth keeping.

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences with me. It's ok to feel uncertain about things. I go thru it all the time. I try to tell myself that there is a time a place for everything. You said that you are trying new things, being open minded and meeting new ppl now. By doing that you open your heart to life and this can bring you to discover your passions or hidden talents. I enjoyed reading what you do to bring yourself back to life. For me I like to take myself out of my usual surroundings. Also being in nature plays a big part on helping me connect to myself. Yesterday I went for a walk and hearing the wind blow thru the leaves, the birds chirping and the distant sound of waves washing up to shore made me feel a deep sense of peace.

  12. I can't say I know exactly how you're feeling, but I probably can relate. Its natural to try and identify yourself with the external/material world but that will never help in actually finding out who you really are. I've tried to validate myself through my actions, but those are easily defeated.
    I've moved to a new city, trying to find a career and also find out who I really am. I'm away from friends/family and its tough. There are day's I feel like I never want to get out of bed. However, I do believe that these actions/goals, the path you take in life, are only defining and refining who you are.

    I hope you feel better soon =) and I'm sure that once you get through this tough time in your life, you will know more about yourself and what you want more then you ever have. =)

    Best of luck!

  13. Ive been through the same state of being and I can totally relate to your post. At first, I hated it but after a while it occured to me that I could be using this time to reflect.. and that I did. Besides nurturing yourself back to life, its also a lot like-- looking inside of you-- getting lost and finding your way back. The feeling afterwards is just.. bliss.


    Enjoy the journey! And you know, if you need to talk.. Im always around. hehe.



  14. I posted this in my own comments,
    but I wanted to make sure you got
    my appreciation hun!

    Your such a sweet girl! I agree with you and I think I will go ahead a pick up a copy soon! Thank you for your encouragement, and I believe that we girls & young women should always push each other forward.

    PS. That song from Christina is from her last album So Amazin'. The song is hot right? LOL

    For your current post Growing pains, I understand. You know what I think about your situation hun? I see it as a Blessing. It is such a Great thing for you to be seeing the depth and realities of life at such a young age. Many people have gone through 30 years of life and still can't see the truth. It's such a beautiful thing for you to be going through this now because you know what? Life will be so serene, comfortable, & peaceful within your future. Accept these challenges, accept these confusing and hard times, Accept it all and EMBRACE it. Your rewards will be great in the future, and i'm not talking materialistically either ;)

    I send you much LOVE!

  15. Hi J,

    I also agree that we will always be defining and redefining who we are by the things we choose to do. As they say life is a journey, not a destination. I guess that's what makes it so much more interesting but it can be hard when that enthusiasm dissipates to doubt. But thank you for reminding me of the bigger picture. I really appreciate your encouraging words and I hope you will find what you are looking for as well. =) Don't be a stranger.

  16. Tashia you emit such a positive and bright energy. I felt it from the very beginning when I started receiving your comments and from visiting your blog. You definitely have a way of lifting one's spirits so thank you for your comment. When you're in the dark its so hard to see anything but darkness so thanks for lighting that candle. =) I agree with you that its important to accept these things because if we look closely enough we will realize that there is something to learn.

  17. Valentine, you've always has a way of expressing yourself so gracefully. It is definitely a time for me to reflect. Its almost necessary. I guess without sorrow we would know no happiness...without the darkness there would be no light. Thx for giving me a perspective I had failed to see.

  18. Hey Cindee,

    Sorry to hear that ur encountering some bumps along the path of life. I have the utmost confidence in u that u will overcome your challenges and be stronger in the end. It’s nice that u share to all of us ur current difficult time. For the longest time I thought you were one of those people that are always happy all the time. I hope all the readers and I have inspired u because you have inspired us, so I think it’s only appropriate for us to pay it forward.


  19. Kev my blog only reflects about 70% of who I really am so i dont blame you for thinking that i am happy all the time. I do filter out a lot of my personal life & what I do on a daily basis but I do not filter out what I need to express. If ppl can find a connection in that then that's wonderful & yes in that I have found inspiration as well.


hi luv. speak your mind...whisper your secrets...kiss your words as you blow them into my ears

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