Growing Pains

I am only trying to express myself right now, not trying to teach you about the ego. None of this might makes sense to you so pls read this article from urbanmonk before proceeding.

Where do I even begin to express how I have been feeling lately. All I want to do is stay in bed. I believe that I am going thru a spiritual transition in my life right now and it's quite painful to say the least. When you look in the mirror who do you see? How would you define yourself? I am an artist? I am a woman? I am attractive? I am a sister, a designer, an accountant, a mother, an extrovert...? These are all ego based definitions of yourself. Who you are is greater than that and unable to define... at your core is consciousness. But not a lot of us are aware of our essence because our ego covers it. The ego is strengthened when we identify with it by defining ourselves by our good looks, by the money we have, our career, social status... etc. And what happens when we lose our good looks to someone younger? go bankrupt? or lose our dream job? We feel like we've lost a part of ourselves. But this is an illusion you see. When part of your identity is taken away from you it is the lessening of the ego that causes the pain, not the loss itself. The more you identify with something the more suffering it will cause. But if you can understand that this is actually a good thing for you soul you will begin to become more of who you really are. You are a spiritual being... pure consciousness.

This is what im going thru right now. Initially I struggled to re-gain control, to hold onto these roles of being a certain way but it caused me too much suffering that i realized how insane it was to keep fighting and to keep holding onto the need to be attractive...the need to be "the older sister"...the need to be a fashion designer...to be outgoing & socially acceptable. Getting rid of these definitions and expectations I have of myself will provide me with an opportunity to become more of who i really am. I asked for growth and in return God has given me the opportunity for it. Like a wise friend once said "when you ask God for money He doesnt give you money. He gives you an opportunity to make money. When you ask God for courage, He doesnt give you courage, He gives you an opportnity to become more courageous." So pls bare with me in the meantime. Im not really in the mood to post much.

As the twitt twitt bird said, "im nurturing myself back to life"